i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize