A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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