I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
