maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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