You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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