Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
