When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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