Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
