how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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