epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
