I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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