please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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