I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
His nipple licking is glorious
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