I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
