so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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