I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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