College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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