Did you just see the Batmobile???
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
