I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
