Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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