I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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