One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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