There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
