I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I cannot find my penis.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
