my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
