the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
