Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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