I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you will always have a special place in my vag
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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