How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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