I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
