(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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