Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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