I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
