I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
