Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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