you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
