Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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