last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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