My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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