for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
