If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i wish my penis had a tongue
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
