dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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