I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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