The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
