I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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