I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
