There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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