Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she looked like the before picture.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
