I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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