then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm like, not good at living.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
