i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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