Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
ttyl tear gas
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
