yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
