I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
