Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
