The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
