Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
