It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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